


penis for password

by obsessivereader, talkplaylove, wearing_tearing



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Neighbors, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Crack, M/M, Podfic Available, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Schrodinger Bucky, excessive use of penis, pre-war or winter soldier you make your own adventure, this is a masterpenis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-05
Updated: 2017-09-05
Packaged: 2018-12-24 07:31:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12007983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/obsessivereader/pseuds/obsessivereader, https://archiveofourown.org/users/talkplaylove/pseuds/talkplaylove, https://archiveofourown.org/users/wearing_tearing/pseuds/wearing_tearing
Summary: Bucky's had his wifi name since forever, courtesy of his friend Clint thinking he’s funny as shit, and he's pretty much forgotten about it—until he hears the enthusiastic shout of 'PENIS!' through the walls from his new next door neighbor.





	penis for password

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [要密码喊JJ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12182283) by [flyingmax](https://archiveofourown.org/users/flyingmax/pseuds/flyingmax)



> possessed by a penis prompt: this is our story

Steve is desperate.

His entire apartment is a chaos of unpacked boxes, unassembled furniture, and popped bubble wrap. It’s been five days since he moved in, and his new place still looks more like a dumpster than a real home.

“Fuck.” Steve tugs at his hair, staring down at the jigsaw puzzle pieces that IKEA assures him can be assembled into a side table, if he can just decipher the instructions written for an alien civilization.  

It’s been two hours, and his lövbacken is still no closer to looking like an actual table. In fact, Steve could swear one of the screws he’s been trying to use doesn’t actually go with that set, and might have fallen from the sky and into the box just to fuck with him.

That’s his life since he moved apartments.

He tries to screw a table and the table screws him.

He’d try looking for tutorials online, but the idiot phone company has been giving him the runaround. The wifi guy that was supposed to come set him up has been a no-show for two days. Two. Days. Two days without wifi. It's like living in the dark ages. He’s going to be stuck with his flatpacks of furniture.

Unless…

Steve grabs his phone, fumbling a little before he turns on the wifi. “C’mon, c’mon,” he urges, watching as a list of names appear on his screen. All of them have little locks beside it, password protected wifis he can’t steal. “Fuck,” he curses again, until his eyes catch on something.

_Yell PENIS for password_.

Steve takes a deep breath. He knows what he has to do.

 

**

 

Bucky's had his wifi name since _forever_ , courtesy of his friend Clint thinking he’s funny as shit, and he's pretty much forgotten about it—until he hears the enthusiastic shout of 'PENIS!' through the walls from his new next door neighbor.

He startles so bad he almost drops his burrito on the floor, saving it at the last minute by clutching the food to his chest. He gets a little bit of sauce on his shirt, which he wipes off with a finger. He considers his finger for a moment before sticking it in his mouth. He’s not going to waste sour cream just because his new neighbor decided to yell about dick. He has priorities.

Still, it takes a few seconds for his brain to catch up. Enough time that he hears another ‘PENIS!’ come from next door.

Bucky doesn't actually know anything about this new neighbour of his. The guy moved in while Bucky was at work, and they haven’t seen each other since. Bucky's starting to wonder if he's some kinda hermit who never leaves the apartment.

Bucky isn’t the kind of guy who ignores obvious cries for help. His Ma raised him better than that. But he also doesn’t want to yell back his password for the whole floor to hear. So he sticks his burrito back in the oven, grabs his keys, and goes to the rescue.

“PEEENNNIIIIIISSS!”

The shout is deep and full-chested and sustained, like the guy was really getting into the spirit of things. It echoes down the empty hallway and fades into the distance. The guy’s really got some set of lungs on him. Bucky can't help but be impressed.

His new neighbor yells again, this time with even more feeling than before.

Bucky swallows down the laughter that wants to bubble past his lips, thinking his neighbor must be really desperate if he keeps yelling for dick. He raises a hand and knocks on the door, right in time to hear another strangled ‘PE-’ before it’s cut off.

"Did you yell penis?" Bucky asks as soon as the door opens, the smile on his face slipping a little when he finally sees his mysterious neighbor. In front of him is the most beautiful guy Bucky’s ever seen in his entire life, _ever_. Blond hair, startling blue eyes, muscles like there’s no tomorrow.

Hot Neighbor’s eyes widen when he sees Bucky, pale skin turning a pretty shade of pink. The blush starts at the tip of Hot Neighbor’s nose and spreads to his cheeks and neck, trailing down under the collar of his shirt.

Bucky is suddenly very glad for Clint’s shitty idea of practical jokes.

“Yes,” Hot Neighbor says, running a hand through his messy hair, making it stick out in even more directions. "Yes, I did yell ‘penis’. Can you give it to me?"

Bucky is pretty sure he’s died and gone to heaven.

“Give you my penis?” Bucky grins, pretty sure he’s living the best day of his life. “I don't know, pal. I don’t even know your name.”

“Steve Rogers,” Hot Neighbor—Steve—says, looking at Bucky expectantly. “Now please give it to me.”

“I’m Bucky Barnes,” Bucky tells him, extending a hand. “Maybe we should go on a date first. Then I can give it to you.”

Steve grabs Bucky’s hand, but instead of shaking it, he uses it to pull Bucky closer. Bucky lets himself be tugged forward, more out of surprise than anything, his stomach flipping in excitement.

At least until Steve says, “I don’t want your penis, okay?! I _need it_!”

Before Bucky can say anything, another voice joins the discussion.

“Just give it to him!” Maria, their neighbor from across the hall, shouts, her voice echoing through the thin walls.

Bucky raises his eyebrows at Steve, fighting back another laugh. A small giggle escapes him before he can clamp his lips together, but really? Who could resist.

Steve makes a frustrated little sound in the back of his throat. He tightens his hold on Bucky’s hand, and then grabs Bucky by his shirt, _pulling_.

Bucky stumbles inside Steve’s apartment, bracing himself with one hand on Steve’s bicep. And woah, what a bicep.

"Slow down, slow down,” Bucky tells him, trying to ignore the warmth and smoothness of Steve’s skin under his palm. “I'll give it to you."

“You better.” Steve lets go of him, rummaging through a pile of boxes beside his couch in search of something.

Bucky takes this moment to look around the place. The layout is the same as his own apartment. In the middle of the clutter on the floor, he spots the scattered mess of a haphazardly assembled… _something._

Bucky’s attention snaps back to Steve when he makes a victory sound, coming up to Bucky with a pen and a little notebook.

“Here,” Steve says. “You can give it to me now.”

“I sure can.” Bucky nods, and takes the pen and notebook. He spends the next three minutes drawing a realistic dick, complete with veins and a beading tip. He scrawls his wifi password across the shaft, because as fun as it’s been pretending Steve doesn’t want his password, Bucky can’t leave him hanging. “Here you go.”

Steve takes the notebook back with a smile, only for it to die when he glances down at it. "Are you serious?"

Bucky shrugs. "You said you wanted my penis."

And Steve did, technically. Now he can never say Bucky didn’t give him what he wanted.

Steve looks at it again. "Is this to scale?"

Bucky stares at him in surprise before he laughs, loud and bright, his eyes crinkling at the corners. “You can check for yourself,” he suggests, and then it’s his turn to blush when Steve just stares at him, eyebrow raised. “I mean, only if you want to. No pressure.”

Steve smirks at him, a quick upturn of his lips. “I did say I needed it.”

“Yeah?” Bucky lets himself take a step forward and right into Steve’s space.

“Yeah.” Steve leans in, lips brushing against Bucky’s in a chaste kiss. A kiss that is over way too soon for Bucky’s taste as Steve pulls back a few seconds later, phone in one hand and Bucky’s paper penis in the other. “I just need to do something first.”

Bucky watches over Steve’s shoulder as Steve keys in the wifi password and starts Googling, _How to assemble a lövbacken_ , phone screen bright in the room. He looks at the mess on the floor, to Steve’s furrowed brow, concentrating on the instructions, then starts laughing.

“Steve,” Bucky says, smile still on his lips. “You don’t need my penis for this.”

“You’re right,” Steve agrees, placing a quick kiss to Bucky’s cheek. “I need your hands. Your dick can be my reward.”

 

**

 

Turns out that Bucky's some kind of IKEA wizard. In half the time it took Steve to unpack the box, Bucky's got the side table assembled, and no, that one screw _didn't_ appear out of nowhere. Who would've guessed. Also, who would’ve guessed that watching Bucky screw the lövbacken into submission would _totally_ do it for him.

Turns out that Bucky's also some kind of dick wizard, because forty minutes later, they're naked and sweaty on Steve's living room floor, clothes strewn all around them _._ Well, at least the table’s fixed. And at least Steve isn’t stressed anymore, body loose and pliant after an amazing orgasm.

“Aren’t you happy you yelled for my penis?” Bucky asks him, pressing a kiss to the purpling hickey on Steve’s left pec.

“Eh.” Steve shrugs, and then smiling, swallows Bucky’s indignant gasp with a kiss.

Yelling PENIS for password? Best decision of Steve’s life.

**Author's Note:**

> to hear more about penises, you can follow us on tumblr: [hawkguyz](http://hawkguyz.tumblr.com/) and [obsessivereader](http://yetanotherobsessivereader.tumblr.com/)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[podfic] penis for password](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12143859) by [obsessivereader](https://archiveofourown.org/users/obsessivereader/pseuds/obsessivereader), [talkplaylove](https://archiveofourown.org/users/talkplaylove/pseuds/talkplaylove), [thatsmysecret](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatsmysecret/pseuds/thatsmysecret), [wearing_tearing](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wearing_tearing/pseuds/wearing_tearing)




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